Let me start by saying that I've always understood that death is a part of life. Yet. I feel like the shadow of death has lingered over my life for longer then usual. It feels like I can't fully go through the grief stages before having to deal with another death.
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Honestly the first year I couldn't really grieve because my mother and sister, plus ALL the kids commanded my time and emotions. As the eldest of the family, I had to be there for everyone else. There was no space for "me" and my grief yet.
My mother had checked out of it all. She was literally living the zombie life. My step father had a new family so....
But now two years later things are different. The funeral is done. My sisters kids have grown a bit and move on to their dads. They are no longer my responsibility. And I'm proud to say that.
But the funny thing about death is that it forces honesty. And casts a long shadow.
So I've come to realize that dealing with death is a personal thing. Being physically with my family isn't needed. Now that I've moved away, I can face my shadow and hopefully bring some light into it.
And so I go forward walking with my shadows of death. For both my sisters.
