Not the Life I Want to Live

by - 5/16/2011 09:22:00 AM

As I woke at 1am this morning I let out a groan. First thoughts forming in mind was about all the things left undone because I fell asleep.

life day dreaming

The work I brought home to finish. Not finished.
The stacks of paper I needed to organize. Not finished.
The small pile of stained clothing from my son's morning accident to be washed out. Not finished.

Many things I had planned and hoped to finish this weekend no where near finished.

I feel like my life is just one unfinished thing after another. This isn't how I planned my life would be.

  • I didn't plan on being a single mother
  • I didn't plan on being a single full-time working mother
  • I didn't plan on having a job that is starting to make me unhappy with it's unrealistic and demanding requirements
  • I didn't plan on being a single mother
  • I didn't plan on having a son
  • I didn't plan on dealing with potty training that's taking a upsetting turn because a penis is different then a vagina and I have no clue how those things work!
  • I didn't plan on being a single mother
  • I didn't plan on constantly cooking, cleaning, and trying to manage a life for this little person I gave birth to.
  • I didn't plan on having this little person following me around demanding things as I try to cook, clean and manage their life

I didn't plan a lot of things but this is life. No matter what you plan or didn't plan you still have to life right? And this is where I'm starting to get upset. I'm not living the life I want. Constantly having to deal with short and demanding job deadline is starting to be major stress. I can't relax in the evening and weekends because my mind is back at the office.

An office filled with either single childless people or parents with live in nannies who do all the parenting for them. I have no nanny. To be honest I don't want one either. I want to parent my son. I want to be the one doing the bath and bed routine. I don't want to trade that time to someone else because I had to take work home.

I also don't want to live in an area where I worry about paying the rent. My lease will end soon and I know the increase will come. If I want to live in Harlem I need to pay. But frankly it's not worth it. The Harlem of my childhood is gone. This Harlem is filled with Starbucks, Cafe's and white people giving me looks while walking their dog. That shit irritates me. I was here long before Harlem became trendy for white folks and their little doggies. I don't like the attitude the Harlem area is getting.

Speaking of attitudes...I'm really over dealing with other peoples. Like seriously. I need a break. I don't have the patience to deal with some people. For the past year I had to bite my tongue while grinning and bearing some bullshit just for the sake of connections. But I have a real life not focused on dealing with other people and I need to bring myself back to it.

Now I'm sitting here at 3am with a pile of invoices from work that didn't get done, clothes I now need to soak and wash out, and my life scattered in various piles of mail and paper in the kitchen. As I listen to my son breathing, I think I wanted better for him. Shit, I wanted better for myself. This is not how I planned my life, his life, our life. I need a new plan.

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