After Dealing with Death, Focusing on Living

by - 8/31/2012 07:10:00 AM

After Dealing with Death, Focusing on Living

If you're a regular reader of this blog, I'm sure by now you noticed a shocking lack of personal blogging. It's mostly shocking because I vowed to do more personal writing and less pr related stuff.

But for those that don't know, the diagnosis of niece with Trisomy 18 and then having to deal with her death a few months later put a snag in that plan.

Truth be told dealing with death took me to a quite place, A place I didn't want to share with anyone.

I know many bloggers share their every moment with their readers. The good and the bad. Sorry but I'm not one of them. Besides it wasn't my story to tell. It was my sisters. I had to respect her rules of what to share and when.

But also, I think most readers of this blog have a disconnect with me on a personal level. It's not a bad thing. Just the reality of this blog. I didn't feel I could share where I was in that dark place on this blog. How could I? Where would it fit?

I doubt a pr person would want their post highlighting their clients amazing event or new product followed by my posts of death dealing and mourning. That's reality of business. Pr people work with me on this blog for connecting with my readers to highlight their clients. Unless they're clients are in the death business, it's probably not a good idea to post about how I've been feeling these past few weeks.

But ironically in the middle of my mourning, not only did I have to deal with PR but also the blogging community. About 5 thousand members. The BlogHer 12 conference happened soon after my nieces funeral.

My first reaction was to not go. But I paid hard earned money to attend. Plus the President Obama was going to address the conference via a live feed. Did I really want to miss that?!

I also figured that the conference would be so big, with so much happening that I would be loss in the masses. A hello there, a smile here and I could blend into the background. Wishful thinking. From the first day to the last I was surrounding by circles of people I knew.

Everyday, I had to smile and make small talk. Everyday I didn't feel like it and wished people would leave me alone. But if they couldn't, then I wish they'd allow me to sit alone quietly. Wasn't happening. If anything many people took offense to me not wanting to socialize more.

I saw the looks, when I gave a nod instead of a hug in greeting. When I didn't sit at the same table. When I left events right away instead of staying and mingling. One person even became upset when I mistakenly referred to her by a different name. I wanted to say to her there's alot on my mind, can you give me a damn break. I would hope she'd understand.

I would hope any of those people would understand since they all knew I had a recent death in my family. But since I don't wear it on my sleeve or blog about it everyday maybe it's a passing memory to them. The blogging world can be like that. We get so much information everyday that people need to constantly remind us what going on in their lives. I chose not to and had to deal with people who either forgot or felt their social needs override my mourning ones.

By the end of the conference dealing with the living was harder then dealing with a death. Truly. The past few weeks I've gone back to my quiet place, only coming out when I have to. Slowly, slowly I've been staying out long and longer. Projects still need to be completed, events to be covered and blogging to be done.

Life goes on and I need to also.

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  1. I am so sorry, I wish I had known during the conference so I could have hugged you. It's really important to separate your personal life from social media, whether it be the people involved or what you are saying online. Life is permanent, perhaps all this isn't, but your real friends in this space can provide a wonderful sense of support. I hope we can talk soon.

  2. Thanks for your comment. I agree sometimes it's good to keep a separation between your personal and online life

  3. I'm glad that you feel ready to move forward BUT I hope that you know your friends care more about YOU than any other blogging related "stuff"!

  4. Shelly from MomfilesAugust 31, 2012 at 9:15 AM

    Sometimes we have to go to our quiet place to deal with the challenging things that happen in our life. I certainly understand that. I hope you are coping better as well as your family. ((hugs))

  5. I'm so sorry for your loss. My mother passed 14 months ago and I haven't found a way to move on. I'm barely living- just moving through life like a robot. I hope you find some peace soon.

  6. Onica,

    I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I have a deep respect for you in being honest and truthful. My firstborn son passed before me, suddenly, when he was 9 months old. Reading other peoples stories of life and death and hope... has been a big piece of what carried me through. Now, 5 kids later, I just tease that losing him is when I lost my sanity. LOL

    My thoughts and prayers are with you during this deep time of hurt.

    ~ Jantina

  7. Life is hard to deal with, but the death of a loved one will stop you in your tracks and make you wonder how do I go on. Sometimes you have to take a step back from the world around you, especially the blogger world and just breathe. I respect that you don't feel a need to blog about every personal feeling, event or issue that happens in your life. I don't either. It's not always easy for some to wear their feelings on their sleeve and that's okay. But I do believe that people still get to know you through your blog and from all the events they've socialized with you at and they do care. I care. I wish you and your family many blessings. Take all the time you need and relfect on what's imortant to you and your life. Life will continue moving at the speed of light and you just jump back in when you're ready and balance your worlds the way that works best for you. I'm sending a hug to you now.

  8. Hey, I thought you were totally cool at BH12 with me. :) But seriously, so sorry again about your niece. Totally understand that you may not want to share too much about that on your blog especially because it's your sister's story as well. As for blogging about personal stuff, I too, said I would start blogging more about my personal stuff, but I just overcommitted myself this month with other peoples' topics. Ugh. Need a break. Anyway, hope you are doing well. Take care!

  9. @Kimberly, thanks for that reminder. My friends know how to find me so they can hear my boring life details :)

    @Shelly, Thank you

    @Krystal, sorry for you loss but thank you for sharing. Hope we both find peace soon

    @Jantina, thank you sharing your story. Congrats on the 5 kids!

    @Monica J, Thanks for understanding that I dont blog about everything. It's encourging to know that my readers can still get a sense of "me" from what I blog about here. I'm returning the hug

    @Bicultural Mama, HA! Hanging with you at the Smores suite was FUN. I was able to just relax and enjoy. Juggling the personal and professional on our blog aint easy. Let's keep trying!

  10. Oh, honey. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself as long as you need. Grief cannot be rushed. If you force yourself to move on, it will eventually bubble back to the surface.

    I lost my father after a 12 year battle with cancer in 2009. One thing that surprised me (and continues to surprise me) about the whole experience is how quickly people expect you to get back to normal. Their lives didn't fall apart, and so three months later, they've practically forgotten all about it. And I don't think it's out of a sense of malice at all; just separate lives. I have learned that certain people *do* really want to know how you're doing when they ask. Yes, there are also those who just want to hear, "Fine," and move on, but if you look at your close friends, you'll find that some really are willing to be there for you in your grief.

    Saying prayers for you and all your family, that you may find peace.