Living in the shadow of my sisters death

by - 12/12/2020 08:43:00 AM

November has been hard. It's became a month of both life and death for me. I won't get into the other deaths, but there's one death I think it's time to share about.

Let me start by saying that I've always understood that death is a part of life. Yet. I feel like the shadow of death has lingered over my life for longer then usual. It feels like I can't fully go through the grief stages before having to deal with another death.

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One of my nephews was born in November. But that birth has also led up to the death of my sister in December. Another of my sisters dead. My first years died over 30 years ago. I still remember. But for this sister, it's been about 2 years now. But when it comes to grief, you can't really count time. There's no time limit on grief.

Honestly the first year I couldn't really grieve because my mother and sister, plus ALL the kids commanded my time and emotions. As the eldest of the family, I had to be there for everyone else. There was no space for "me" and my grief yet.

My sister died leaving a new born and a child a few month past 1 year. My other sister already had 4 kids, so it was a bit much for her to be in charge of all the funereal stuff and deal with 6 kids.

My mother had checked out of it all. She was literally living the zombie life. My step father had a new family so....

But now two years later things are different. The funeral is done. My sisters kids have grown a bit and move on to their dads. They are no longer my responsibility. And I'm proud to say that.

I've honored my sister by caring for her kids. Again, I won't get into it, but I've had to deal with a lot to make sure my sisters kids grew up and were safe. That deserves its own blog post, but this blog and my family aren't ready for the honesty about that.

But the funny thing about death is that it forces honesty. And casts a long shadow.

So now after two years, and more deaths around me, I've started dealing with my feeling about my sisters death. There's a lot of feelings and I really needed to be in my own space so "I" can grieve. In my own way.

So I've moved away from my family. The move was also for other reasons, but honestly the only reason I started living with my family again was because of my sisters death. If I had a choice, I would not live near or with my family.

So I've come to realize that dealing with death is a personal thing. Being physically with my family isn't needed. Now that I've moved away, I can face my shadow and hopefully bring some light into it.

And so I go forward walking with my shadows of death. For both my sisters.

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